Remembrance

Elder Jeffrey Holland, an apostle for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, is one of my heroes. His knowledge, faith, testimony and boldness have been a huge inspiration to me, especially when I was a missionary. I remember reading a talk where he said he still thinks about his mission every single day. He has a few more years on me, but so far this has been true for me as well.

For the past few weeks, maybe even a few months, I've been struggling with memories of my mission. I keep remembering all the mistakes I made, all the things I should have done differently, or how little I understood of how to handle situations. Thoughts that began with the phrase, "Why didn't I just..." or "Why didn't I know to..." or "Didn't I realize that..." have seemed to haunt me. I was kept awake many nights just thinking of ways I could/should have done things differently, berating my 21 year old self over and over again. I knew that I worked hard and had incredible, life-changing experiences and happy and funny stories...why then were all my thoughts and feelings so negative and self-defeating? My frustration just grew the more I thought about it so I did my best to just shove it out of my mind and not think about my mission. Then about a week ago we had some new friends over for dinner. We had a blast talking and laughing and getting to know them. For some reason, every single conversation topic sparked a mission story. Everything we talked about made me think about "this one time on my mission." I never wanted to be someone who started every story like that, but I had to restrain myself from telling mission story after mission story. I told maybe one mission story that night, but had at least 6 pop into my head. The next day as I was dragging Gavin around shopping the same thing happened. Funny little mission stories that made me laugh kept popping up and Gavin got an earful. Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church another happy story came to mind. I finally noticed how often this had been occurring over the last few days and wondered what had triggered this happy deluge of mission memories. As I thought about it the scripture popped into my mind, "...the Holy Ghost...will bring all things to your remembrance." (John 14:26) I was filled with love from God and for God as I realized that the Spirit had been bringing to my mind all these happy and joyful memories, to remind me that I had served faithfully and been very blessed for it. Only Heavenly Father knew my personal struggles, and He had heard and answered the unspoken prayer of my heart. He knows that I wasn't a perfect missionary, that I had so much to learn and made lots of mistakes, but He loves me anyway and reminded me of those happy memories.

President Henry Eyring, another apostle, said this:

"The Holy Ghost brings back memories of what God has taught us. And one of the ways God teaches us is with his blessings; and so, if we choose to exercise faith, the Holy Ghost will bring God’s kindnesses to our remembrance."

This is what I experienced, and I am very grateful for Heavenly Father's kindnesses. He knows each of us personally and will bless us as we exercise faith in Him.

Click here to read the rest of Henry Eyring's words.

Here's some happy memories: